Who wrote the lesbian handbook on dating?

Alex Valentine

Monday, 16 June 2008

The dating rituals of the average lesbian will forever perplex me... Your eyes meet across a crowded bar/club/Femfresh aisle, one of you plucks up the courage to go over, and as the conversation flows freely you swap numbers.

The unwritten guide to women states that you should wait a day before texting her, so as not to seem like a weirdo (of which there seem to be many around!). But wait, how many kisses do you put on the end of the message? Dilemma! One is blasé, but two sounds desperate. Whoever wrote the lesbian handbook on dating, please can we print it and hand it out on entrance to Vanilla for the bamboozled baby-dykes?

So you meet up for the beverage of choice, whether it's coffee for the ones trying to recreate the Planet from “L Word”, or the ones who just admit they need to join the AA and hit the Smirnoff. You meet her a couple of times and the sex is good (thanks to your wonderful charms, not the vodka of course), but after having sex three times the lesbian handbook states that this is now a relationship.

Do you:
1. Scream and run away because "it's just too soon";
2. Decide you actually REALLY like her and give it a shot; or
3. Attempt the lesbian fad of just being "f*ck buddies", which never works because one will always get attached, or worse, JEALOUS when you gain another f*ck buddy as well as her (for nymphos only).

If you follow the second option, you'll end up in a relationship. Some women's worst nightmare, others' dream. If in these following blissful, sexed up weeks, you start noticing your new love is receiving too many text messages "from her mum", or she insists on singing ‘Simply The Best’ during sex (to herself, not you), then I think it's time to cut and run. But if she brings you a brew in the morning and gently kisses your forehead then you're on to a winner. Either that or she's just outted you to your Gran. Let's hope it's the former...